Ten years ago, a murder.

Her name was Brittany Elizabeth Rapoza, my 20 year old, dear friend who was murdered by the most hatefilled, evil, punk of a man. There was absolutely no reason to harm this young girl. She did everything he asked her to do and actually thought she loved him. I knew him well because I was abused and ridiculed by him for many months before he saw her walking down the street one day and picked her up. He told her that if she wanted to come with us then she has to be his ho. She had no clue what the hell she had just stepped into, and soon there after he bought a 15 year old girl from her crackhead Mother, for ten dollars worth of dope. So then he was always beating one of us and makinng Brittany walk the streets til her feet bled.

I saw Brittany get tortued and beat so badly that I begged her to go with my friennd and let her find a place for her to hide from this monster. After about three days I had also found somewhere to take the 15 year old and she was going to leave the next day. Then the plan was for me to get out of course. Well I guess Brittany decided that she was going to come back because that night she had called him. He told the 15 yr old and I that he was going to go pick her up. Hours later he comes back with blood soaking his shoes, t-shirt, glasses, etc. And rocking back and forth while saying “I cant bellieve that I fucking killed the bitch.” So now we are freaking out and he realizes that he better keep us both in sight so we dont try to run and tell. We got pulled over and tmthe cops actually took him jail for an illegal weapons charge, whixh gave us both time to disappear. Weeks later I saw a news story about a body discovered in arlington lake and they were not avle to identify the badly decomposed remais. I was so physically ill when I saw that and even though I knew he said if I told that he was going to kill my family, I had to give her a name and a face. She was a little girl, and she didnt even use drugs but was actually on the street because of her mental disabilities from what I understand anyway.

Brittany has been gone for over ten years now, but with the passing of my Mom recently I am reminded just how horribly painful it is, once again to lose someone who meant the world to you. I have always felt like Brittany saved my life for sure. If he hadnt have murdered her then it would have been the little 15 year old girl or me. I used to feel a ton of guilt thinking of how it should have been me. I was the oldest one and I was supposed to watch out for them both but looked what happened. Its just really hard to think about what if or I should have done, damn it. Kind of felt pretty worthless as a person for many years. But I am trying to make myself worth more everyday. I guess it will have to be ebough for now since that is all that I have got.


Remembering a friend while trying to forget her murder…

Her name was Brittany Elizabeth Rapoza, and she was my friend. Below is part of an article about her murder.

FORT WORTH — While convicted murderer Randy Wilson was selling crack cocaine and running prostitutes last year, he also had sex with the 15-year-old daughter of a crack customer with whom he was living, two witnesses testified Thursday.

Wilson, 29, was convicted Wednesday of murder in the Aug. 14, 2007, stabbing death of 20-year-old Brittany Rapoza, a troubled young woman who was working as a prostitute for Wilson when he killed her and dumped her in Lake Arlington where the decomposed body was found six days later.

In Wilson’s punishment hearing Thursday, Jenny Yeager — one of Wilson’s former girlfriends — testified that at least 10 to 12 women worked as prostitutes for Wilson during the five or six months she was living with him in 2007. He lured most of the women by giving them crack cocaine, she said.

But Rapoza didn’t take drugs, Yeager said. Instead, she willingly worked for Wilson, giving them all the money she earned because she loved him and wanted his attention, Yeager said.

FORT WORTH — While convicted murderer Randy Wilson was selling crack cocaine and running prostitutes last year, he also had sex with the 15-year-old daughter of a crack customer with whom he was living, two witnesses testified Thursday.

Wilson, 29, was convicted Wednesday of murder in the Aug. 14, 2007, stabbing death of 20-year-old Brittany Rapoza, a troubled young woman who was working as a prostitute for Wilson when he killed her and dumped her in Lake Arlington where the decomposed body was found six days later.

In Wilson’s punishment hearing Thursday, Jenny Yeager — one of Wilson’s former girlfriends — testified that at least 10 to 12 women worked as prostitutes for Wilson during the five or six months she was living with him in 2007. He lured most of the women by giving them crack cocaine, she said.

But Rapoza didn’t take drugs, Yeager said. Instead, she willingly worked for Wilson, giving them all the money she earned because she loved him and wanted his attention, Yeager said.

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and in August of 2007 she was murdered

When your Mom passes away but your sister doesn’t bother to call and let you know.

My Mother and I were very close up until about 2 years ago when she all of the sudden came down with Alzheimer’s, dementia, and power of atty. was given to sister. But not from recently, my mom just never terminated it from her almost fatal car crash in 2011. Anyway, being addicted to heroin most of my life, you can imagine how my family had enough. So my Dad and my sister are what you would call estranged, at best. But my Mom was always right there with me, never giving up on me, forgiving me of all the stupid shit I had put her through. And she was then also disowned from the family for not treating me like I dont exist. My Mom was such an amazing woman. I wished that someone had at least told me that she passed away. Its been months, and since my sister made it impossible to even speak or see or even find my mother, its not fair that she never even tried to let me know. Damn it its not right the way I foubd it this morning, just looking up family to check out if I get in touch with a cousin, instead I get my Mom’s Obituary.

The only person who unconditionally loved me and always stood behind me no matter what. I wish I was a better daughter to her. Clearly her only other child, who by the way hasnt lived in the same state as my Mom and I since she was 17 years old and moved to Washington State. I am so heartbroken and I cant believe how completely alone I am now in this world. I often find myself wondering if I am going to end up one of the many people who get cremated by the city and then ashes spread with all the other dead people who have nobody to claim them. Its sad but I am really Thankful that my sister did bury my Mom properly. I am going to try and call my father who hasnt spoken to me in over ten years now because I had relapsed. Last time he spoke to me all that he would say is that he has washed his hands of my Mom and I, and for my Dad, that was like the longest explanation for anythibg I have ever gotten from him. He is 80 and now I beginning ro check all the obituaries so I dont end up having the same thing happen as with my Mom.

Vanessa, she is a beautiful and intelligent, miracle for sure. She was born a month before my actuall due date and since I was in active addiction. Nost of you know the rest... She was in the NICU for over 30 days because of the heroin that she was veung weened off of by makibg sure ahe wasnt in any pain or discomfort with morphine.  I have never said or told anyone of my ordeal or losing the only child I never believed I could have. Of course, I am sickened by my own actions at this point but self shaming and self hating I have experienced are not even close to being in the past. This never goes away. And being certain about the fact that I have truely felt as if my life will alwats be just defined by that and that only. But it's really even way worse than that because I have nothing but time to think about what I've lost an the reasons for losing my daughter. No matter what I know that I can never forgive myself for that it's just not ever something I see I could do because it sickens me when I realize what's happened because it was all in my hands and she was my responsibility and I didn't mess up I ruined everything like I feel like I actually hopefully her laugh is better she ended up with parents and wonderful brothers and sisters and a big household not living in the ghetto and not having to deal with addiction. anyway that's just a little bit that's how I feel about that so it scared the hell out of me to have this because I'm so ashamed I'm not embarrassed I'm ashamed to my core to the
I had only one child at age 37 and still i regret every second I am reminded how she isnt even really mine at all

Love and how it changes over time.

Ok, I met my one and only finally when i was 36 years old. And of course since the age of 13 or so, my inexperience just with life and people in general was just super minuscule at best. So , as many of us do as teens exploring love, the meaning of it and if its happening to us already at that age which damn it I knew I was in LOVE. And not puppy dog, or that awe look how adorable those two are together LOVE either. What I was believed down to the core of my being was that I fell in love with the most amazing, non-replacable, kind man who showed that he loved me also. He was as they say, the love of my life.

Now thirty fucking years later, my memories make me now, feel like nothing I ever believed that I was 100 percent certain of and had no kind of ponderence or thoughts of doubt about…

Well I was a child and like many teens who had it all figured out and need no guidance from any experienced people who could have steered one from insanity of LOVE. But now as a 41 almost 42 year old woman who has actually certain only of one thing in my life. I have no doubt that I have been deeply in love. The man that never has nothing but love for me is my happiness through out.

It has never been more evident to me that my husband of 7 years is the absolute, only man who I have ever shared a true love for, that which is equal in all our emotions and feelings and actions of love towards one another. And that right there us the way I finally knew that my LOVE was not a wish or a want or a threat or even a need. Because as a teen, to me thats what love meant. Or thats what it had to be stemmed from in my tiny, almost sheltered to paralysis like atate of mind. And thats a sad thought. But i imagine that people throughout time have had a lot of trials and tribulations regarsing love and the lack there of or over loving almost murdering one with there love suffocation. My friends had just as warped beliefs on love and other thibgs as well. But shit, i sure am full of thought today or aomething has me full.

Never sleeping is not the way to catch up with shit that you knowyou should have done over a year ago but didnt. How do some people try and fail miserably but still think that neversleeping is a good idea for anyone

As someone who has used drugs daily since I was 13 years old. I am not a proud Addict, and the reason I say such a strange thing is that I feel that others think people who have used drugs in the past are always trying make it look or sound fun and or exciting or that you become the most interesting amazing human ever birn whne you are using. Right? Has anyone ever been sharing and gottne those looks from others as if you had been bragging of something you had done and been proud of doing maybe sharing it made others think that its something else. I think that anyone who has had years of active addiction would love to be able to truely put behind us the ugliest, most disgusting, and worst part of our addiction and just COMPLETELY FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED. Now if that were a possiblity damn right that I would be 1st in line. But we are forever going to remember all of our 22 years using whatever we used for whatever we used it for. But if anyone has ever had the unfortunate opportunity to hear a real user talk of the old days in which there use was fun before it began to turn boring and monotonous. Then by the end which one decides the disgusting nature of the latter memory wpuld help to argue that to make drugs sound like they were fun is all reletive to the reality of that person at that very moment.

Shit. I can not even seem to make any sense to mydamnself this morning so what could make me think any person who has any intelligent reasoning even wanna try to do such. For what reason, what is the payoff. I have nothing that will end up just making you feel like reading my post wasnt a real waste of time. Or you may even feel like you cant understand why you would even read some immature ladies thoguhts in a newly made blog from her first expetience in finding or writing and even knowing wtf a blog even was or is…

As I have realized that I have no real things that I must not do for this blog or must do either. The only real rule here is there are no real rules. In using ones good jugdement ,assuming any of us inactuallity to really posses any at all, the rule I try to model my actions after is this very simple one.

If you can make someone smile, why not do that. And as to how all it takes is a smile. Thats all it costs me. If that is not my action as I pass an random stranger then I probably have some reason that I am not being the only one sometimes who cant seem to stop trying to make syre that i have at least made one person i never have knowns day just a tad brighter with just a teeny tiny movement near my cheeks. Did you know that I tried to commit suicide many times in my life, and in one case I remember that the smile of a stranger gave me enough feeling of positvity in that moment that my suicidal tendencies actually were fading away. Such a little thing we can do that has the possibilty to make a huge difference whoever receives that smile that sends postive vibes towards whoever for no reason but they deserve it. If anyone who I smile at randomly today or tmrw has an emotional response which helps them for that moment in there life, wouldnt it be such a WORTHY or HUGE REASONING ITSELF TO JUST FUCKING SMILE WHEN YOU PASS SOMEONE. ALMOST EVERYTIME A SMILE WILL ILLICIT FEELINGS OF POSITVE ENERGY AND FOR THAT A POSITIVE REACTION FROM THE ACTION OF SMILING COULD BE PUT INTO MOTION. THATS JUST GOOD NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT. SORRY DIDN’T MEAN TO YELL.

Is it wrong to question everything?

I have never in my life understood most things that I was orinally taught to trust and believe in. For many years I never even thought that I could question certain things that were taight to me as core beliefs which in turn feel as if they are fact based. And even if I wouldve tried way back when I should have I already that it would have been frowned upon. So, if someone tells you that you must learn and follow this certain quideline set fourth by our originators. Is it wrong of me to ask for proof of these so called things at all. I dont feel very good about it. And thats not because of my own doing, there is some kind of reason why I feel that will be shamed or shunned for asking a fucking question.

As a little child we all learn about our world and ourselves and others extremely fast and as we are soaking up all that we can we soon will hit a roadblock. Not literal but as in a wall of silence and secrecy and if we start asking questions then overwhelming to be attacked for trying learn as we thought was the correct thing to do in life. Now if you are lucky then you will just be lied to and if you trust whoever is telling you such stories of so called truths based in facts from our history, then its just what you come to think is the truth. So for many in our world I think there is evidence that what beliefs have been contribed from are tales of ones own learnings. So as long as I make sure to only surround and suffocate myself with others that are in with the people who I know have taught others what I have been taught, and exclusively make it impossible to have any discussion about my thoughts of so-called fact based guidelines but instead be stuck in perpetual state of misunderstanding which enables one to never evolve from the core guidelines behind the way in which I chose to live every moment of my own life. Even if I was made to believe that I was being exposed to FACTS. After living in the world we live in for, lets say , one hour by these teachings and beliefs now that I am being told I must not question the absurd nature of reasoning behind these beliefs, but I should not question anything nor anyone who has taught these insane principles.

Anyway, maybe I make sense but as far as if I really care to have anyone read this to understabd andd ponder exactly what I am saying or really asking, thats not actually my purpose at all. I guess I was in such a state of denial, that my beliefs were hammered into my being long long ago of course just as a tiny child. Just because thats the way it is. We dont have to explain why, when we are telling you about things that we have learned that are undeniably unquestionable because they are , they just are. So just sit down shut up and dont ever ask if I could mistaken child because the real honest trith is now that you have no choice in this. You accept and I author and imagine the ways in which to make you believe ,as I do ,for that sadly ,I am the only perfect thing in this world that is or has or ever will be, so u must trust in me. All you have is your beief and trust and faith in something you cant even ask how why where when or shit…

Whats at all even fairly believeable about anything that I said above. Not a fucking thing.

In conclusion I blame the 6 hours of my first time ever be introduced to online podcasts by Sam Harris. So u can thank th at dude for totally fucking up someones head that was meerly trying not to be bored to death with whatever topic was randomly picled as I tried not to fall into a deep slee. Never have I had much a faithfilled religious type of experience in my life. But I certaibly always believed in some kind of Higher Power . Atheists, were a totally misunderstanding to me. Basiclly , I had always been made to think that someone that doesnt beleive in the idea of christianity a devil worshipper or even a devil like being. Right. I mean, yes I grew up in a little town in North Texas for Some Odd Sake, Cleburne was certainly not at al full of anything but right wing extremist with pigheaded ,mindlessness, abilites to drone on and on about the answer to a question of religion or faith. Hell fire is waiting for ones like you. The non belivers and what not. Well I just cant , in good conscience, put my life in jeapordy amoungst other dangerous reasons for your wink of truth. Even if some old man in a weird fucking robe pretendibg he is the Pope tells me I mist belive and have faith because I will absolutely got straight to hell and never have anything but tortered days of burning flesh and misery for ever to the infinite . Does that kind of answer to a question do anything for anyone? Maybe some just feel bad for the small minded inability of others to know that fairy tales are just stories we have been told as a child which are supposed to help children to learn about how we should act towards others and what is and what is not acceptable behavior. Thats how we start learning these little lessons we are being flooded with as youngsters. Being able to even control the act that enable one to be looked at as one whom acts out of there own feelings of what good morals are, or am I wrong here.

Something I must have but am too broke to buy for myself.

I have been guitarless for over a fucking year now. It is truely killing me not to have it, especially on those rare days of inspiration and motivation. They dont come often but damn it I have know way but this to get out my creative fist of fury. But whatever…

I am starting to do affirmations and I wont say I am totally skeptical when someone tells me that if I think it to myself over and over it will just happen. So the fact that I aint doing shit but laying bed everyday, for example, resighting 100 times a day that I will be a millionare soon. W.T.F.

Thats what some idiot I was reading somewhere said will happen. And I obviously disagree. With affirmations, I always just assumed that after you constantly tell yourself something, then you begin some sort of action to eventually attain that want or wish or whatever you call it. Maybe I am wrong…

Others thoughts are certainly wanted to read.


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